


Now

by JR_clutterbuck



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-13 21:39:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11768916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JR_clutterbuck/pseuds/JR_clutterbuck
Summary: Something's gotta give.Non-AU with alternative events leading into Trixie's filming of All Stars 3.





	Now

**Author's Note:**

> First ever fic! I explored in an earlier draft over on tumblr, but wanted to try it here with a slightly different angle. Feedback is welcome but not mandatory, Barbara. <3

Katya’s eyes flickered to the nightstand clock again–the third time in ten minutes–as she shook out her hands to try to and bring back some bloodflow. It wasn’t working.

Sometimes she felt like her nerves were closer to the surface of her skin than other peoples’, or that her brain sent messages with more force than necessary. Life had always been raw for Katya. Over the course of any normal day, she would ping pong emotionally between soaring highs and disarming lows depending on the people she encountered, the headlines she read online, or really just about anything else. A bird with a limp. Whatever.

She could never read or learn enough. She made mental connections so quickly and creatively that people struggled to keep up with her in conversation. It didn’t frustrate her–she had almost no capacity to feel spiteful toward other people–but it did leave her feeling lonely more often than not. With her travel schedule being as packed as it was these days, she spent most nights chatting with friends and fans after shows about the music, the looks of the night, the other queens. Without meaning to, she always searched their eyes for something else. Sometimes those conversations led to sex, which was the only thing that felt honest enough to lean into. She could give that. She could connect there. She could funnel all of the different pieces of herself, the things she didn’t have words for, into that act. She was kind and responsible to the smallest detail when it came to sex, which protected her partners from getting hurt or feeling used.

It was a life. She managed. She had her art, which kept her busy and inspired most days. She was making so much money that she couldn’t even remember the feeling of being broke.

There was a heaviness underneath it all, but she was equipped to deal with it. She knew when to surround herself with people and when to go hiking alone. She no longer asked herself what the point of everything was, and she was determined to never unload a single ounce of the weight she carried onto someone else.

But then there was Trixie.

It was their last filming day for UNHhhh before Trixie’s time away at AS3, and the curvy queen came back from a ten-minute break in a daze. She settled onto her stool as an assistant fidgeted with Katya’s mic, gazing intently at her phone screen and bouncing one knee up and down. She didn’t notice how loudly her stiletto was clacking against the floor until Katya bubbled up with laughter and started swatting at her foot with a paper fan. “Girl. Where’d you go??” Trixie looked up, though not exactly at Katya, and turned her phone screen towards her. There was a glare, so Katya took it in her hands to get a better view. She recognized it immediately as a series of texts from the younger queen’s boyfriend. The fans had assumed they were broken up, but Trix had just doubled down on her privacy in anticipation of a long month away from social media and with less control over her brand:

 

_D: So theoretically…what would you look for in a boy ring?_

_D: Forget I texted that. This is not a text conversation. I’m just in front of this window downtown and this thing caught my eye._

_D: I’ve been thinking a lot about that movie we watched the other night. About diving in, and how life is short. Can’t wait to see you tonight._

 

Katya kept her eyes on the phone, face locked, as the assistant finished up with the mic and Pete the producer began to speak: “Okay guys, I think we’ve got pretty much everything we need. Can we just finish up with a little more of the football stuff?” They’d been filming a sports-themed episode that day, among several others, and Trixie had started a story right before the break about playing pee-wee football as a child. It had everyone on the set doubled over with laughter, but Trixie asked for a break so that she could try and remember the exact sequence of events before telling it.

She had great comedic instincts, but she was also a perfectionist. Katya had never known someone quite so driven. In the three years since she’d met other queen, Trixie had achieved nearly every goal she set for herself. Fitness journey, check. Album, check. Katya had known she would land on All Stars 3, and she believed whole-heartedly that she could win it. Her mind flashed back to another time they’d sat in these chairs for filming, when Trixie had talked about becoming husband material in 2017 and locking down that part of her life. It felt abstract back then–maybe because the idea of settling down, especially as young as she was, was so foreign to Katya. But it was suddenly the most obvious thing in the world. A soft ringing started in her ears, and she felt cold in spite of the bright studio lights.

When she made the decision to look up at Trixie, it was with a huge grin. She thrust the phone back towards her and willed the next words to leave her mouth. “You cunt! You know I don’t get it, but get yourself that white picket fence, mama.” She watched a small smile creep onto Trixie’s face. “It’s totally ridiculous, right? Like, it’s been 8 months?” Katya could hear the giddy note in her voice. She knew it like the back of her hand. And she knew what Trixie needed from her, so she squeezed her arm and dropped from Katya’s voice into Brian’s for a moment. “I’m happy for you.”

The next half hour was a blur. Trixie told the pee-wee story, and Katya listened. She could get away with being a little more subdued than normal since it was the end of the day and everyone was exhausted, but she still managed to laugh at all the right moments. It felt wrong to fake something that normally came so easily, but it wasn’t difficult. She wished it was more difficult. She wished it was more difficult to avoid de-dragging with Trixie once they wrapped. She made up an excuse about needing to figure out a paperwork detail in the WOW offices upstairs and then let everyone know that she’d lock up the studio if they had left by the time she was back. She walked up through the main building and out onto the back parking lot for a cigarette. She noticed her hands shaking as she lit it, and she reminded herself to take deep breaths and feel her feet on the ground. She stood there for a few minutes, smoking and registering the breeze on her face and a blinking neon sign across the street. Without warning, her brain flashed to the vape pen she’d halfheartedly bought a couple of months earlier to try and quit smoking. She remembered Trixie’s face light up the first time she saw it, and how she found little ways to encourage her in the pursuit each time she saw her. By the time she took her last drag, she felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She knew better than to fight it, so she waited it out and promised herself that this would be the only time.

The next few days sent their fans into a tailspin. Katya decided to double down on the public Trixya declarations, wrapping up their storyline and cashing in on years of tension. She pined over Trixie, Trixie wouldn’t have any of it, they were still the best of friends. That was the story, and that was the foundation she needed to set to protect herself for whatever was going to happen next. They didn't speak at all during the week between filming and the start of AS3, one of the longest stretches they’d ever gone without contact. Trixie had sent a text that night in the basement once she was de-dragged and Katya hadn’t returned to their small dressing room:

 

T: Are we good? I waited for a while downstairs. Wanna get dinner?

K: Duh. And I would, but mama I’m spent. Plus I forgot about some weird thing in my contract, so I have to come back to WOW early tomorrow and figure it out with legal.

T: Okay, well let me know if you want to go to Laila’s show with me and Courtney this weekend. I know you hate that club but it's my last night before the Rupocolypse!!

T: That episode is going to be sickening by the way YASS MAMA BOOTS THE HOUSE DOWN.

K: Mother, we’re breakaway staaaars again.

T: You’re done.

 

When the first video surfaced a couple nights later of Katya discussing her onstage at a gig, Trixie didn’t reach out. She never did. That was understood. Katya pushed it further the next night, for reasons she couldn’t explain. She wanted to fuck her. She thought she was perfect. Nothing. And so it went. Katya received one drunk text the night of Laila's gig:

 

T: ?

 

By the time she saw it the next morning, Trixie's phone had already been left with his assistant. When Katya got in touch with Willam about her plan almost a month later, she had never felt more sure of something in her life. It was 8:47pm, and she sat on Willam’s crisp white comforter. The bedroom was surprisingly peaceful compared to the rest of his studio. Trixie was due at 9. She would wait.


End file.
